Musings of a Coper

I struggle a lot with unrealistic expectations. Workwise I am often told to get things done without being briefed.  Imagine yourself being given simply this statement - 'Do it.' You know it's regarding a book called 'Name'.  That's it. That's all the information you have.  When you ask for the book or more information, you are abused passive aggressively or otherwise. And not just one person but many. How can multiple people be wrong, eh? They may chide you for being impatient as they would claim to give you the documents/brief you at a later stage.  However, this does not change the truth. The truth that I was asked to do something without being given any information whatsoever.  The truth that I was made to feel less, deliberately. Yes deliberately and intentionally by people who could not control their own emotions. People who think I am nothing or my emotions don't matter or simply don't care if I am hurt. Well, I sincerely believe in tit for tat...

Sometimes I just want to give up. I just turned 35 and I feel exhausted. My body has started to pain. Constant anxiety, shoulder pain and recently lower back pain are my daily nemesis. There's some fungal infection on my right foot too. My mind is fucked. And yet I wake up everyday to do the same struggle each day, everyday. The definition of insanity, I read somewhere, was to do the same thing again and again and expect a different result. I am going through the same drill everyday. Expectations from office to perform tasks that are increasingly becoming burdensome because that's not what I want to do or they want it done at a fingersnap. I feel I should carry more weight but people have started to take me for granted. But imagine a tigress being treated like a cat. It's the worst. I am also struggling to get paid. Recently, I had gone on an official tour but they are not sending the papers to my HR to process payment of my salary and are seeking additional documents. I fe...

I was so late to office. My boss wanted to meet me and I was not there. I feel sick.  I somehow reached in 15 mins...but the stress, the anxiety. It's killing me. I really want to die at times. Simple reason being I just can't get on with my life like this. I don't feel like doing anything. However, there are bills to be paid. I want to just sit down and sleep. Or just go somewhere peaceful where I can sit down and sleep. My entire life just feels like garbage. It's a huge dump of toxic messes. Can't get away from this feeling. I feel so trapped. I really can't do what am supposed to do. God help me. If you can.

I feel so depressed that I cannot even articulate anymore what am I sad about anymore.

There are times when the images of the silver screen on our phones entangle with its soft melodies and create a charm of affection for people in our hearts, making us scurry to look for resembling memories in our hearts with these loved ones. Haphazard haste follows in our being to look for those moments of warm fondness before the next scene occurs in few seconds and the moment is lost in the time lapse. If we fine none, we fall back on our resemblelance of the emotion potrayed. One may recall their micheivous grin or an innocent smile, the way the innocently sleep like a babe or may be just the way they made us feel better merely by their standing presence, giving us strengtht during our hardships. In an emotional wave we may call them up, missing them, missing what we recall of them. If they can receive the call, two things may happen - either they pick up or we realise jarringly, our succour is in our palms.

I sit in the verandah with almost blooming plants yearning for a gentle wind, slow Bangla music in in my ears trying to recall a part of me that seems long forgotten. The caressing breeze brings solace but cannot allay the knot that has crept into the soul.  I cannot make peace with the bitterness gnawing and growing in my heart. The turbulence of mind from the expectations of family and obligations of work vibrates too loudly -thud thud- in the heart that only wants some beautiful pure silent calm to compose the mind. The swirling mix of music and smoke slowly instills courage for another day probably cut short. Ah! There's the awaited gentle hugging breeze, it envelopes me with hope. There are so many stories budding in the skin, sore with the mosquito bites.  With the healing words written in these thoughts, I invite Monday again. Time to apply some aloe gel on the bites.