The Drill

Sometimes I just want to give up. I just turned 35 and I feel exhausted.
My body has started to pain. Constant anxiety, shoulder pain and recently lower back pain are my daily nemesis. There's some fungal infection on my right foot too.
My mind is fucked.

And yet I wake up everyday to do the same struggle each day, everyday.

The definition of insanity, I read somewhere, was to do the same thing again and again and expect a different result.

I am going through the same drill everyday.
Expectations from office to perform tasks that are increasingly becoming burdensome because that's not what I want to do or they want it done at a fingersnap. I feel I should carry more weight but people have started to take me for granted. But imagine a tigress being treated like a cat. It's the worst. I am also struggling to get paid.
Recently, I had gone on an official tour but they are not sending the papers to my HR to process payment of my salary and are seeking additional documents.
I feel depressed.
I can't even cry because my Special other doesn't like it when am upset/needs care themselves/ gets annoyed. There's no future with him in any case, I think it's just habit.
I am frustrated at my situation.
Family wants great many many things from me. (1) I need to save 3Lakh for my PPF and health insurance. (2) Relocation near home (3) More of my time.
I feel like a shit person who is unable to perform basic responsibilities.

This is my day, everyday. This drill is slowly killing me. None can see my decay. I am unable to help myself. I am just so miserable.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unrealistic Expectations

I struggle a lot with unrealistic expectations. Workwise I am often told to get things done without being briefed.  Imagine yourself being given simply this statement - 'Do it.' You know it's regarding a book called 'Name'.  That's it. That's all the information you have.  When you ask for the book or more information, you are abused passive aggressively or otherwise. And not just one person but many. How can multiple people be wrong, eh? They may chide you for being impatient as they would claim to give you the documents/brief you at a later stage.  However, this does not change the truth. The truth that I was asked to do something without being given any information whatsoever.  The truth that I was made to feel less, deliberately. Yes deliberately and intentionally by people who could not control their own emotions. People who think I am nothing or my emotions don't matter or simply don't care if I am hurt. Well, I sincerely believe in tit for tat...
Read more

Haunted

It never goes away, it just subsides. Like an unpredictable sea wave, one cannot comprehend the tides of dreams that shall hit the shores of the grainy mind. It's been difficult to fall asleep, knowing that the demons are trying to claw back. If the only thing constant is change how, seriously, how is it possible that the more the things change the more the remain the same. It's oxymoronic. 
Read more

The tryst with destiny

Accepting the ordinary-ness of the self  can be embattling for the soul. The key is acceptance. The sooner the better. Pulling the head out of the clouds as the fog of mind dissipates in the heat of failure is bringing me closer to the harsh realities. Life is not a bed of roses, yes but cannot help but wish that it was not one made of thorns or nails either. See what am doing again? Am wishing, dreaming, hoping...all useless emotions. Coping needs to be devoid of these. Coping should need the singularity of acceptance. I need to be better at accepting. The only way out of not leaving behind a massacre and ruins of dreams is to have none. No hope, no dreams. Just accept reality as it is and address it likewise. Do what is best for the situation and accept accept accept. Losses, messes, in excess, absorb all like it's supposed to be normal. The filth is mine. I am the owner of the toxic pile. I accept it. Ciao.
Read more